I have been an imposter my entire life. I have pretended to be happy when I wasn’t. I’ve exerted energy when I haven’t had it and felt less about myself when I couldn’t sustain it.
My conditioned response has been one of complication. I have been unclear how to respond to life. The outside world has shown me how others act but I am not the others. Yet I am curious as to my existence and why I feel I do not belong or rather more specifically why am I dissatisfied.
I can tell you why. I am forging a new way. I am embracing myself, my true self. But how could I not know who I am? Why is it so heart breaking to choose to stop, look, and listen to what is?
Once we pass through the experience of painful truth, we can deepen into awakened awareness of a soulful journey. The comfort of closing out all distractions creates a womb of deep understanding and love. This means we create space to birth Self.
The words love myself, self-love, be true to who you are are mental constructs and only serve to appease the ego’s design to join into this reality. My heart breaks open in ways I cannot explain or put into dialogue.
I am grateful for this pain. I forge through my experience. “Sometimes there is no map for the road we find ourselves upon.” (Call The Midwife quote). This unchartered territory is rich in newness and uncertainty, and is quite uncomfortable.
I wanted to be seen as perfect and competent towards the unrealistic expectations I set. If I am good enough I am setting the right example.
Allowing myself to be seen creates vulnerability to perceived weakness, ineptitude and possibilities towards rejection and being or feeling alone. I have had enough of doing these atrocities to myself, i.e., seeing myself as less than and not good enough.
As I share my inner most experience of this human condition or life I hope and pray you too can relate and/or identify with my pain.
All-in-all I am divine and perhaps by my stepping out and sharing my fears, my pain, my ineptitude and judgement about myself it will serve another so they can connect, join in, and share the transformation of human experience into awakened possibility of seeing how beautiful we each are.
I am the sensitive scribe surrendering into courageous trust that I do belong and I am not alone.